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Literature Text
Sunshine girl,
your feet are itchy for the miles
between your sighs
and hunger scratches
at your throat
but you have a smile
that swallows oceans
and your heart
opens
into the Marinia Trench.
Sunshine girl,
this heaviness in you
is offset--
your spirit
is a dandelion
coming home to rest
softly, softly.
your feet are itchy for the miles
between your sighs
and hunger scratches
at your throat
but you have a smile
that swallows oceans
and your heart
opens
into the Marinia Trench.
Sunshine girl,
this heaviness in you
is offset--
your spirit
is a dandelion
coming home to rest
softly, softly.
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Written for RiseandbeStronger's Love Letter To Yourself contest wherein participants create what is essentially a love letter to themselves. This can be done in the form of poetry or prose.
The Marinia Trench is the largest natural 'hole' on earth -- it's a giant sinkhole also know as The Great Blue Hole. I went with the Marinia Trench because it's a little more imaginative and has better flow.
The Marinia Trench is the largest natural 'hole' on earth -- it's a giant sinkhole also know as The Great Blue Hole. I went with the Marinia Trench because it's a little more imaginative and has better flow.
Comments20
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Overall Vision
Originality Technique ImpactSomething about this intrigued me, so I had to look deeper to find out what.
Firstly, I like how the poem develops. The first stanza seems to be a bit restless, desperate and raw. The second stanza is of a vast positiveness. The third stanza is kind of half and half to me: heaviness, that fits more with the first stanza, but at the same time telling that it is offset. And then finally the fourth stanza that felt very soft and tender, like coming home.
I got stuck on “your feet are itchy for the miles / between your sighs” for a while, wondering if this restlessness is something negative or positive. Itchy feet sound like a person that can't wait to do something, a presumably happy person. But if you can't wait from one sigh to the next, that sounds a bit like the person can't wait stumble into the next disaster.
Reading that this is a love poem to yourself even increased the impact for me. I rated both, vision and impact with 5 as I can see your vision clearly and this really made me feel and think.
I rated originality lower, as the idea is not a new one – logically as it following a prompt for the contest. Nor did the metaphors or form strike me as something I never saw before. But inventing something new wasn't the point of this poem and if there was a rating for community spirits you'd score there instead.
Technique I rated above average, as I liked the following things:
- “Opens” as a single line opened a kind of trench in your poem too.
- the contradiction between “heaviness” and the light, almost weightless“dandelion”.
- “forget”, not “forgot” in the title. It shows the writer is aware she is still doing it, still forgetting to love herself.
Here are some slight suggestions for what I'd see as an even further improvement:
- You could add a punctuation mark after “throat” - either a comma, like you would breath for air before continuing, or maybe a dash to emphasize the contradiction between the first and the second stanza.
- Please read it. I think this poem would be even more beautiful if we could hear your voice.
Of course this is only my opinion, so feel free to disagree. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=" (Smile)"/>