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Literature Text
i. you.
ii. the world bears down,
spewing obstacles
into my path and raining
ash like platitudes.
(none are as heavy as
this solid mass growing
beneath my gums
and setting my mouth alight:
an ulcer birthed in history.)
iii. heartsore,
i begged Eirene
to no avail.
i still have faith:
the impurities that bind themselves
to my throat, and carve sorrow
into bones that were never hollow
cannot outlive love.
iv. today not even the Gods
can reduce the stain of you
but tomorrow,
i will breathe again.
ii. the world bears down,
spewing obstacles
into my path and raining
ash like platitudes.
(none are as heavy as
this solid mass growing
beneath my gums
and setting my mouth alight:
an ulcer birthed in history.)
iii. heartsore,
i begged Eirene
to no avail.
i still have faith:
the impurities that bind themselves
to my throat, and carve sorrow
into bones that were never hollow
cannot outlive love.
iv. today not even the Gods
can reduce the stain of you
but tomorrow,
i will breathe again.
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Some days are just heavy. Please feel free to offer comment/critique on it while I wait for the world to lighten up enough to allow a solid revisit.
Eirene was the Greek Goddess of "peace".
Note for self, comments received:
The stanzas feel kinda disjointed, like there's a rush of things you want to saw and they're tripping over each other trying to get out. (TheBandBrony)
I really love the title, and your word choice is exquisite. I agree though, it could use a little connection between the concepts
To me, the title itself is one entire story in five words. (DrMeh)
A good way to bring everything together would be to develop the situation a little more, perhaps with some detail into what brought on the disorder (TheFinalHikari)
the first verse really feels like post trauma, I like the Connotation although it felt somewhat not flowing, making it a bit hard of read, (Dave-Stewie-Black)
Eirene was the Greek Goddess of "peace".
Note for self, comments received:
The stanzas feel kinda disjointed, like there's a rush of things you want to saw and they're tripping over each other trying to get out. (TheBandBrony)
I really love the title, and your word choice is exquisite. I agree though, it could use a little connection between the concepts
To me, the title itself is one entire story in five words. (DrMeh)
A good way to bring everything together would be to develop the situation a little more, perhaps with some detail into what brought on the disorder (TheFinalHikari)
the first verse really feels like post trauma, I like the Connotation although it felt somewhat not flowing, making it a bit hard of read, (Dave-Stewie-Black)
Comments22
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I liked the roughness. The title really pulled me in, likely due to relating to/having PTSD. I feel sad for the sufferer in the poem, but I like how they seem to know they will recover (ie, breathe again). It makes me want to see them through to the next days.