literature

suicide risk

Deviation Actions

Published: Sep 6, 2013

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Literature Text

i.
you are six shades of sadness
on a too cold, too big seat,
a shrunken apostrophe and
paroxysmal, the balls of your feet
strumming the hours gone

("i want to go home,
please, please, i just
want to go home").

ii.
it is your relief and your regret
that she knows you so well.
It is she who brings forth a doctor
then, when you are past talking-down, done,
wrung out and horse-footed in your need

("let me go home, please,
please, i just
need to go home")

iii.
softly accented words spoken off to the side:

"Yes. Let's keep her voluntary now,
it will be quicker: but if her wings sprout
and itchy feet sample corridors,
we'll make it an order."

("if you go home,
the police will return you,
please stay a little longer")

iv.
you are seven hours of waiting,
free to leave until you try and
another doctor says
"I can't get a read
on her lethality and
there are no beds".

("let's go, please, i want
to go home, and they
don't want me here")

v.
she is concern coated in fury,
a righteous expletive
within an exclamation mark,
feet itching with the need to see you safe,
but you are still lost.

"if I thought there was an alternative,
I wouldn't have sat here seven hours-
the last 3, past the end of my workday."

("they're going to send me back,
anyway, please, let's just
go home")

vi.
like magic, beds appear
in the half-empty ward:

"there are no beds" is code
for "you're just another borderline".

Working through some emotions and thoughts surrounding my experience presenting at the hospital last week. I didn't want to be there, but went out of respect for my case manager... and concern that if I didn't, she'd ring an ambulance anyway (duty of care sucks, sometimes).

Short version: This is about presenting to the emergency department at risk of self harm and suicide, waiting for seven hours despite making a phone call to them prior and almost being turned away.

Longer version:
A week ago, I was evaluated as being a severe self harm risk and a moderate to high suicide risk by my case manager/support worker - with whom I've been working for the past year. At lunchtime, my support worker called and spoke to them, letting them know that she would probably be bringing me in. Half an hour later, we arrived and the ED paged the psych team. After 4 hours, I tried to leave and my support worker spoke to the ED desk again. They called out an ED doctor who said if I tried to leave I'd be put on an involuntary order but they'd rather avoid it as it would slow the psych team up even more. After a total of seven hours waiting, we finally saw someone from the psych team. She was cold, unempathetic and really did not want to give me a bed. My case manager was not very happy and eventually I was given a bed. When we got to the ward, it was obvious that the ward was half empty.

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